How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
