Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
