One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
