Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
