You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
