my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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