im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
