he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
