hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
