I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
