the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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