mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
