atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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