What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
