my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just gift wrapped bread.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
