you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
