so that wasnt chicken after all
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
