Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Randomize
