I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
