whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
