We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
