Umm I'm too high to move.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
