yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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