I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
