Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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