I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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