God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
