I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
