Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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