i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
