Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
