the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
