FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
