Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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