Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
