not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
