Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
