Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
it's like heaven, but drunker
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I FOUND THE LEGS
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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