my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
