I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
