Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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