i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
