Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
