did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
