So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
