Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
