while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
