buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
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