yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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