Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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