how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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